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Pass The Tabu (David Wallace) PG - shoutoutout

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November 30th, 2008


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12:28 pm - Pass The Tabu (David Wallace) PG
Title: Pass The Tabu
Author: shoutoutout
Pairing/Character: David Wallace (Todd Packer, Michael/Jan, Michael/Holly)
Rating: PG
Summary: The joke is on David Wallace. Written for office500
Word Count: 631
Spoilers: Spans S3 to Business Trip
Author's Note: Title from the episode of The Brady Bunch referenced. David Wallace is too cool and I don't know if I did him justice.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Office or the characters, no copyright infringement is intended.



The list of David Wallace's dislikes goes:

3. His son getting sick.
2. The broken screen door at their Cape house.
1. Todd Packer's corporate visits.

When Todd Packer comes to New York, it's never pretty. His employees either A) get wrapped up in the ribald stories, laughing and snorting in their own perverse escapism or the much more likely B) make complaints to Kendall and really, it all just ends up as tons of paperwork on David Wallace's desk.

He can always tell when Todd Packer is in the building because all the female employees either have sour, disgusted faces on or they huddle together and whisper things like, "Do you really think..." and "It has to be Photoshop." This morning it's the latter and David Wallace sighs as he heads towards the Mecca of gossip and distraction.

"...All saw the picture, am I right? Michael to-tally hit that, told me himself. Said that booty was grade A meat, like a good... cutlet. Exact words. Jamaica can really loosen up a corporate ice queen, if you know what I mean. And, God, listen to what he told me about the front yard --"

David Wallace cuts him off mid-story and sends him to his office as he tries to shake off the overwhelming notion that he has become the principal of an elementary school. The employees listening look ashamed and good, they should be. It's Todd Packer for God's sake.

Just because Jan's behavior starts to change doesn't mean that Todd Packer was right. As the weeks crawl by she spends more time visiting the branches, which is a good thing in theory, but it's really just one branch. He lets it slide because calling them on it would mean presenting Todd Packer's claims as evidence and then there goes his whole argument.

Two weeks later he finds out just how right that idiot was and well, he thought it was a joke, but there they are in his foyer, black cocktail dress and cheap yellow dress shirt, with a waiver of rights like smack in the face for the CFO who was naive and blind and maybe not entirely ready to manage the crazy people in this company. It's not like he can do anything now that they've registered with HR, and it's with this same feeling of helplessness that he watches the slow, calculated self-destruction of Jan Levinson.

It's like Michael Scott is that haunted tiki idol from The Brady Bunch that makes people lose surf competitions or puts tarantulas in hotel beds, only Michael works differently, reducing Vice-Presidents of Regional Sales to shivering puddles of self-loathing and corporate jokes with the stench of cigarette smoke saturated into office carpets.

Which is a shame because David Wallace used to like her.

He can still like Michael enough though, he's dedicated if misguided, which is why when Todd Packer strolls into corporate again, bellowing about Holly Flax, David Wallace tries desperately not to believe the joke.

And it's really not his fault that he sees them kissing in the warehouse because, what the hell is with Michael and dating/ruining his corporate employees? And so David Wallace has to do what he should've done with Jan (he learns from his mistakes) and Holly is out of the picture before she can throw her back out in a hula class or whatever else happened to whoever wore that haunted tiki around his or her neck.

When he tries to explain himself, "Michael, sometimes - " and the line clicks dead, David Wallace can only lean back in his chair and accept that, inevitably, the joke is always on him.

And if Todd Packer ever steps foot inside this building telling tales of Toby and Michael hooking up, David Wallace is going to lose it.


(6 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:dollsome
Date:November 30th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
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Ohhhh, this is great! I love David Wallace (who doesn't love David Wallace?), even if he did deprive us and Michael and Holly of Michael/Holly, and this was just such a great look at him. The slow, calculated self-destruction of Jan Levinson! It's like Michael Scott is that haunted tiki idol from The Brady Bunch that makes people lose surf competitions or puts tarantulas in hotel beds, only Michael works differently, reducing Vice-Presidents of Regional Sales to shivering puddles of self-loathing and corporate jokes with the stench of cigarette smoke saturated into office carpets. Just -- everything! That sentence alone owns me. And "Holly is out of the picture before she can throw her back out in a hula class or whatever else happened to whoever wore that haunted tiki around is or her neck." Awww. I like the idea that he was sort of doing it for Holly's own good; very nice, believable justification.

Also, TOBY AND MICHAEL. :D

So seriously super-awesome all around.
[User Picture]
From:wanda505
Date:November 30th, 2008 09:47 pm (UTC)
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That was the most amazing ending in the whole world. I literally giggled out loud. Amazing.
[User Picture]
From:snoggings
Date:November 30th, 2008 10:07 pm (UTC)
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You are are brilliant writer. That is all.
[User Picture]
From:michellek
Date:November 30th, 2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This was perfect. Especially that final sentence.
[User Picture]
From:greenfish
Date:December 1st, 2008 05:44 am (UTC)
(Link)
Haha, Toby and Michael. Perfect way to end this.

There needs to be more stories involving David Wallace, because he is awesome! Thanks for writing this. :)
[User Picture]
From:annakovsky
Date:February 1st, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh man, this is FANTASTIC. I love how Jan is the rationale for why David Wallace sent Holly away so fast -- him trying to save Holly from a horrible fate is just so sympathetic and makes so much sense. And I love your David Wallace voice here, and hahaha, the Brady Bunch thing made me crack up a lot.

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